In my work with youth today I often see a decline of good manners and etiquette especially as it relates to caring for other people. For example, the other day I was teaching a group of young men a lesson on respecting women. The scenario was presented " You are walking down the street and you see a young lady drop her books she is carrying, what should you do." In all seriousness one 13 year old young man stated "tell her she dropped her stuff." He was then asked "do you think you should help her pick them up?" His response was "I didn't drop them." Now granted this is a 13 year old and he has not reached the time in his life where he really has much interest in girls, but regardless a standard of helping and assisting others and just general good manners should be followed. In our society we are slowly losing the meaning of what it is to be chivalrous and as social media and electronic communication become more prevalent we see this decline quickening. With this decline and being the father of two boys I wanted to look into what it actually is to be chivalrous and wanted to figure out how I can better help my boys be better men.
From what I can figure out Chivalry was never officially a written law or code but the basic structure of this code was written in the classic poem The Song of Roland. The poem is quiet lengthy but the code has been deduced to a list of 17 rules or codes. I would like to briefly look at each one and see how each one relates to our modern society.
- To Fear God and Maintain His ChurchNow I believe that this virtue, whether you are religious or not is a very important rule to follow. Look past what is actually written and look at what it is saying. I believe it is basically saying to stand up for what you believe in. I feel that too often in our society we as men back down about things we feel strongly about. We don't want to offend or we don't want to cause an argument so we just sit passively by, biting our tongue, wanting to speak our minds but never having the courage to do so. So I would like to rewrite this rule for our modern day to say: Figure out what is important to you and fight for it!
- To Serve the Liege Lord in Valour and FaithMy first thought to this one is that I will serve myself, God, and my family. But then I thought "who would they be speaking of in the terms of a knight." Basically a liege would be the boss of a knight. I have a boss. I think it is important in our day, as it was in medieval times to loyally serve your employer with valor and faith. We should be honest and hardworking in our employment which I believe is the basic idea of this rule.
- To Protect the Weak and Defenceless
Any good man should be looking out for those weaker than he is. Too often we see men hiding behind their masks using their masculine strength to bully or intimidate others. This attitude is common among young boys usually stemming from deep insecurities in themselves. We need to help our young men be confident in themselves so they can be the strong dependable men this world needs. I think that this rule needs not be modified for our generation.
- To Give Succour to Widows and Orphans
Similar to the last rule, a chivalrous man should be looking out for those vulnerable in our population. Those who might require assistance or love as they have no one to provide that This could look like mowing the lawn of the old lady down the street or volunteering as a youth mentor. A modern version of this rule could read; Give assistance to those in need.
- To Refrain From the Wanton Giving of Offence
A chivalrous man should avoid breaking laws and purposefully offending or harming others. This seems like a given yet we often see men purposefully breaking laws and hurting others. A modern version could say; Avoid careless law breaking and other offensive behavior.
- To Live by Honour and For Glory
A man should always live his life in a way that if he died that day he would have lived a life of honor and virtue. At the end, a mans life should have been lived with purpose and direction. He should have made efforts to make a difference for others and to make an impact on the world whether big or small. I believe that this is something that many youth are losing. They have little direction because they feel they can't accomplish the things they want to in life because so many of these youth have been told they are a worthless generation. Make an effort to change that for your children by teaching them this virtue that needs no adjusting for our time.
- To Despise Pecuniary Reward
This virtue basically that a knight should refuse monetary rewards for his good deeds. We used to live in a society where people actively looked out for their neighbors and helped out where they could, however, those days are becoming a thing of the past where many men want monetary payment for "good deeds" they do. We should encourage service among our children in order to show the non-monetary rewards of service, which in the end most people value more. Rewritten we could say; Do a good turn daily!
- To Fight For the Welfare of All
Life is not just about us. True fulfillment comes by standing up for what you believe in, in order to make this world a better place for all. When we ignore the welfare of others we are doing nothing but creating more problems in our society.
- To Obey Those Placed in Authority
Now this one is at times difficult for me as those in authority are not always virtuous people. I believe this rule should not be followed if those in authority take away the basic rights of human beings or force certain ideals on them that are contrary to strongly held beliefs. With that said I believe a chivalrous man should follow laws and show respect to those in authority positions as long as that authority is not being abused. For the modern day we could say; Respect those in authority so far as they do not abuse their position.
- To Guard the Honour of Fellow Knights
Men! We need to look out for each other. We need each other just as much as we need other relationships. We need the support of each other. I go into a lot more detail on this topic in my articles Male Bonding, and What happened to Male Friendships?
Rewritten for our day we could say Be a dependable friend.
- To Eschew Unfairness, Meanness and Deceit
A man should shun all unfairness, meanness and deceit. We are the protectors of our families and of the people around us. We as men can use our strength to protect and diminish negativity or we can add to it. Choose which one you will do. Will you be a chivalrous man or a mean deceitful man?
- To Keep Faith
Whatever you believe in you need to stay strong to that. Have faith in God, in yourself, in other men, in your children. It is through our faith that things happen. No man ever accomplished a great feet without first having faith in himself, and in something higher than himself.
- At All Times to Speak the Truth
A man should never tell a lie. We should as they say "man up" and take accountability for our actions. Too many men hide behind lies not being true to themselves. I think we have all been guilty of this some time or another but we should strive to make honesty a major priority in our lives.From here on out make an effort in your life to live honestly.
- To Persevere To the End in Any Enterprise Begun
Finish what you start! My poor wife has been waiting for me to finish putting together our new baby's room for months. I'm happy to say I got it done today! One day before the baby will arrive, unfortunately I started it 6 months ago. I procrastinate with the best of them which is something I need to work on. When we as men commit to something we need to push forth and get it done now!
- To Respect the Honour of Women
Men! We need to treat women as something precious not something to be used and thrown away. Women are our mothers, our sisters, wives, daughters, girlfriends, etc. We should always treat them with the utmost respect and honor them. Lets face it guys, without them we are nothing.
- Never to refuse a challenge from an equal
Now I think this needs some tweaking for the 21st century. I believe a man should should rise to a challenge. Competition is part of what makes us men and makes us feel complete. However, This attitude is a huge problem with the youth I work with. Many of them are in gangs and their attitude is that you can never turn a challenge down. This usually means fighting, stealing, vandalism, rape, etc. Lets be men and compete and have fun but lets remember that we are also men of integrity.
- Never to turn the back upon a foe
And last of all, defend yourself and your family. If you or your family is in danger by all means stay and defend them. This also needs a bit of tweaking for the same reasons as stated above. We must avoid illegal or inappropriate behavior in this endeavor.
That's it men, that is your code to live your life by. although written ages ago these virtues hold true today. Take what you want, leave what you will but take these principals and see how they can fit better into your life and how they can make you a better man.
List of virtues taken from: The Code of Chivalry
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